The funniest things you never said

by Elleroxie
(Malvern)

The funniest things to say that you wished you have said at some point or another:

Apology accepted. Trust denied.

Pinterest only reminds me how hungry, poor and unstylish I am.

Sometimes when I open my mouth my mother comes out.

Dear Diamond, We all know who is really a girl's best friend. Yours Truly, Chocolate Cake.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

I love mankind... It's people I cant stand.

If I could have a super power it would be to watch people work out and absorb their results.

My favorite coffee in the morning is the one when no one talks to me while I drink it.

Nothing related to Halloween scares me, what scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising.

The older I get the more I realize there are no grown ups and nobody knows what they are doing...

No woman ever shot her husband while he did the dishes.

Strange how men always have to poop when you ask them to do something.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths...

Dear Customer Service, First of all you should know I am typing this with my middle finger...

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

If I gave my heart to you... I'd have none and you'd have two.

Everyone has an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Of all the friends I've had, your the first.

Love your enemy, in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of jerks.

The bible tells us to forgive our enemies; not our friends.

I always advise people not to give advise.

If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Do you have a problem? Yes I have 99 problems and you are 98 of them.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

I discovered I scream the same when I see a shark and when a piece of seaweed touches my foot under water.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is knowing not to put it in fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I fell in the supermarket, this woman said: "Oh she fell help her. I said: "No don't bother, I'm attacking the floor and I'm winning."