The Best Funny Sayings in General

by Mike
(USA)

When I die I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did in his sleep. Not like the screaming passengers in his car.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agree with you we will both be wrong.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Silicone?"

When in doubt, mumble.

Worry works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

I like work, it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

You are never too old to learn something stupid.

If winning isn't everything then why do they keep score?

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm just not sure anymore.


For more funny sayings go: Here!

For funny quips and quotes go: Here!

For more funny short jokes go: Here!

For funny one-liners go: Here!