FUNNY QUIPS
Chapter 2

The responses to the Funny Quips page was so overwhelming that we simply had to continue the fun with Chapter 2!

Keep them coming friends we have loads of space and we are looking forward to the day when we publish Chapter 10!

In fact we are so excited about Quips & Quotes that we've decided to give my favorite Quips Book - 14,000 Quips and Quotes by E.C. McKENZIE - away to one Quips Contributor every month starting July 2017! If your quips get 5 star rated by other readers - you are in the draw!

The great thing about "Funny Quips" is: Everyone enjoys them! Suitable for the whole family whether you are 8 or 88 and Quips and Quotes Books make GREAT GIFTS. Ever in a pickle wondering what to buy for someone - you'll never go wrong with Quips and Quotes! Even the "not so keen readers" will like them!

Funny Quips, fun, laugh, bored, fun stuff

Ready for Funny Quips Chapter 2 ... Let's GO!

FUNNY QUIPS STARTING WITH "A"

Accidents - Most accidents are caused by people who drive in 1st gear while their minds are in neutral.
Accidents - Cars and bars means stars and scars.
Achievement - The only thing you will achieve in life without any effort is failure.
Action - A genius shoots at something no one else sees - and hits it.
Action - It's better to look where you are going than to see where you have been.
Action - No one ever climb a hill just by looking at it.
Action - Those who can - do. Those who can't - criticize.
Action - Some church members are like wheelbarrows they only act when they are pushed.
Actor - An actor is a man who tries to be everything but himself.
Actors - The new alarm clock for actors doesn't ring it applauds!
Actors - It's more important to deserve the applause of people than to obtain it.
Actors - A Hollywood star recently hired two press agents to tell the world how modest he is.
Actors - Some actors think they are elevating the stage when they are merely depressing the audience.
Actress - Some actresses won't wear a dress that is not original but they will take a second hand husband.
Actress - An Actress in Hollywood described her ex husband as six feet tall and $2000 short in his alimony payments!
Actress - The actresses with hour glass figures have the problem that the sands of time normally shift.
Actress - To some actresses the difference between fame and farm is form.
Actress - The age of an actress is like the speedometer of a used car - you know it's been set back but you can't tell how far.
Actress - One actress thought it would be fun to get divorced in the same dress her mother was wearing when she got divorced.
Adolescence - All anyone expect of adolescent is that he act like an adult and be satisfied to be treated like a child.
America - Mistakes are not so bad. Columbus found America by mistake.
America - Too many Americans weight lift with the wrong equipment - a knife and a fork. 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP!
America - You can tell Americans trust in God by the way they drive.
America - Thousands of Americans are trying to find peace in a pill.
Anger - Anger is just one letter short of danger.
Anger - The best way to get rid of a hot head is to give him a cold shoulder.
Anger - You are not a dynamic person simply because you can blow your top.
Anger - It's easy to get up in the air what hurts is to come down.
Anger - Blowing your stack adds to air polution.
Arguments - More homes are destroyed by fusses than by fires or funerals.
Arguments - It's never worth it to start an argument about a religion you have not got.

FUNNY QUIPS STARTING WITH "B"

Babysitter - You can tell a babysitter is experienced if she knows which kid to sit with and which one to sit on.
Bachelor - A bachelor only wants one thing - himself! 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP!
Bachelor - A man who refuses to fight used to be called a coward. Now they call him a bachelor!
Bachelor - There are two kinds of bachelors: Those too fast to catch and those too slow worth catching.
Baldness - One nice thing about baldness, it's neat!
Baldness - Men usually worry more about losing their hair than their heads.
Behavior - Most of us want other people's children to behave the way ours should.
Behavior - Is what you do, not what you think, feel or believe.
Behavior - It's easy to save face. Just keep the lower half of it tightly closed.
Behavior - You are only young ONCE. If you act foolish after that you have to find a better excuse. 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP
Bigamy - The penalty for bigamy is two mother's-in-law.
Bigot - A bigot is a person who slams his mind in your face! 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP!
Bigotry - People who brag about having an open mind should close it sometimes so that they can think.
Blush - A blush is the color of virtue.
Blush - A blush is one thing that can't be counterfeited.
Blush - Man is the only animal that blushes and the only one that needs to.
Boasting - Those who have a right to boast don't need to.
Boasting - The guy who boasts of his open mind may only have a vacant one.
Boasting - The only time you should blow your horn is when you are in a band.
Boasting - Flattery will get you nowhere - especially if you give it to yourself!
Boasting - Ever thought folks who repent long and loud are just bragging?
Boasting - A modest person won't blow his "knows" in public.
Boasting - Some proud folks are always letting off esteem!
Boasting - Success doesn't always go to the head; sometimes it goes to the mouth!
Bored - A bore reminds me of a summer cold.
Bored - A bore makes you wish you were lonely.
Bored - A bore always lights up the room when he leaves.
Bored - A bore never runs out of talk only out of listeners.
Bored - Too many people confuse free speech with loose talk.
Bored - One of the best ways for some people to make others happy is to shut up and go home.
Bored - A man without a single idea is less boring than one with only one idea.
Bored - Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week!
Bored - Might as well keep your mouth shut. If you talk about yourself you're a bore if you talk about others you're a gossip.
Bosses - If your boss doesn't pay you what you deserve - be thankful!
Bosses - The best boss is a well-trained conscience.
Bosses - Only a few people are usually enthusiastic about the work, normally the bosses.
Boys - A pain in the neck when around and a pain in the heart when they're not! 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP!
Boys - A boy is usually the kind of kid his mother tells him not to play with.
Boys - Boys are like canoes; behaves better when paddled from the rear.
Boys - Boys become men when they stop asking their fathers for allowances and requests loans.
Boys - There are two types of boys - noisy and not yet.
Boys - The only time a boy will stay off the lawn is when you ask him to mow it.
Boys - The only time boys don't mind soap is when they blow bubbles.
Boys - College is the only vacation a boy gets between his mother and his wife.
Boys - Little boys that lie become Weather Forecasters!
Boys - A boy's mind is wonderful. It starts working the minute he gets up and never stops until he gets to school.
Boys - "Dear Lord if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a good time as it is."
Brains - Benefit the world by synchronizing your tongue with your brain.
Brains - The marble business must be booming, many people seem to have lost theirs.
Brains - The cheapest top-rate computer is the one between your ears.
Brains - Nature makes up for a nugget-sized brain with a bucket-sized mouth! 5 STAR FUNNY QUIP
Brains - The best substitute for brains is silence.
Budget - An attempt to live below your yearnings!
Budget - A good wife can stay on a budget and a diet.
Budget - The only thing tighter than next year's budget is this year's bikini.
Burdens - Religion at its best is a lift and not a load.
Business - Never give advice - sell it!
Business - A shady business never produced a sunny life.
Business - Business is a lot like tennis. Those who don't serve well wind up losing.
Business - The best way to go into business is with high hopes and low overhead.
Business - The man who only lives for himself runs a very small business.
Business - Business is like a car. It won't run itself except downhill.
Business - A dentist is a man who runs a filling station.
Business - A good executive is judged by the company he keeps - solvent.
Business - Babysitting is a good business because it meets a crying need.
Business - When business is bad some men go bankrupt and some go back to their wives.
Business - A good business to stay out of is that of another person.
Business - Bad business "You might as well come in everything else has gone wrong today!"
Business - A business is too big when it takes gossip one week to travel from one end of the office to the other end.
Business - The art of taking from another man's pocket without violence.