Funny Sayings

by Daine
(Texas, USA)

Give me one friend, just one, who meets the needs of all my varying moods.

I'm so great I'm jealous of myself.

If nobody's perfect, I must be nobody.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Save time... see it my way.

I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong.

I can’t think why mothers love them. All babies do is leak at both ends.

If the sky is the limit, why's there footprints on the moon?

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.

If ignorence is bliss, more people should be happy.

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.

Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls.

Stop being so stupid... it's my turn.

Children forget your presents but remember your presence.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Life is a test, I didn't take very good notes.

Flirting is the art of making a man feel pleased with himself

A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase

Be alert – the world needs more lerts.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

Don't think of yourself as ugly, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.

I just ate some Skittles.Wanna taste the rainbow?

Women flirt to keep their stock high, men to get somewhere

Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

I've tried yoga, but I find stress less boring.

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you are in deep water.

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

Anywhere is walking distance, if you’ve got the time.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to complete the necessary forms.

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

I'm sure turkeys aren't grateful on Thanksgiving.

I had a photographic memory but it was never developed.

I'm actually quite pleasant until I wake up.

I hear voices and they don't like you.

Keep smiling, it makes everyone wonder what you are up to.

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

Always borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.

Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

A professor is someone who talks in someone els's sleep.

You can't be old and wise if you weren't young and crazy.

Flirting is the art of keeping intimacy at a safe distance.

A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?

If nothing lasts for ever, will you be my nothing?

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I'm not anti-social, I'm just not user friendly.

Once your heart gets broken you start to see cracks in everything.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

I'm not overweight, I'm undertall.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence (A life sentence!)

You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you are all the same.

I have a weight problem, can't wait to start eating.

Be alert – the world needs more lerts.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry.

With computers, every morning is the dawn of a new error.

To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.

People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.

Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them

I get exercise running to the refrigerator.

I exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

No one ever went to the grave saying: "I wish I had eaten more rice cakes."

I'm not shallow, you're just ugly!

Birthdays are good for you, the more you have the longer you live.

I'm 57 and people call me middle aged. How many 114 year old people do you know?

Hard work never killed anyone but why take the chance?

The time to begin most things is ten years ago.