Funny Facebook Status

by Pier
(US)

You think I'm not online. But I'm always here. Even if I'm not posting. I'm here. Scrolling. Judging.

Calling someone without texting first is the new showing up unannounced.

The only thing I gained from 2012 was weight.

I have a defective iphone 5, I keep pressing the home button and I'm still at work.

Facebook is a place where people always think your status is about them.

Those times when you say something stupid and think, 'Yeah, that sounded way better in my head.'

Editors at fashion magazines do a great job. Women continue to hate their bodies!

That awkward moment when you write your password in the username space.

I like my women like I like my weekend - short, filled with liquor and gone by Monday.

I like my men like I like my coffee - sweet, white, strong, instant and finished so I can move on to the next cup.

That awkward moment when one kid in PE class always thinks it's the darn Olympics.

When a fairy gives me four wishes: 1. Money without working 2. Smart without studying 3. Love without hurting 4. Eat without getting fat

Smart phones, smart cars, smart televisions time to make smart people!

The tooth fairy teach us to sell our body parts for money.

I'm gonna stand outside. So if anybody asks, just say I'm outstanding!

Men chase women they don't intend to marry for the same reason dogs chase cars they don't intend to drive.

I accidentally bumped into my ex today... With my car... at 60mph... on purpose.

No price tag means it's free, put it in your pocket.

Why do tests on animals if we have pedophiles in prison.

Why I Drink Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I get time to think of them.

Whoever tucked the 'S' in Fast Food was a clever person.

Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass.

I might as well change all my passwords to "woman" because nobody can figure them out.

Look, I'm not a smartass. All I'm saying is if you caught me officer, then you were speeding too.

When I'm bored nobody text me but when I'm busy my phone blows up with text messages and calls.

If two past lovers remain friends, its either they are still in love, or never were.

If you talk behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass.

If I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world, I think I'd go to the hospital cause that sounds serious.

"LIKE" means, I have read it but I am too lazy to commment.

"FACEBOOK" helping stalkers since 2004

"QUITING FACEBOOK" is the adult version of running away from home. We all know you do it for attention but you'll be back soon.

"FACEBOOK ADDICT" because time is not going to kill itself.