The Funniest Sayings Ever

Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes CAN change everything.

I wish someone would invent "caller IQ" so I could see just how stupid somebody is before I answer the phone!

I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like... the vending machine!

Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send me $100.

Whenever birds poops on my front porch I make myself scramble eggs and eat it out on the porch just to show them what I'm capable of.

As I've grown older I have learnt that pleasing everyone is impossible but p_ssing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I have multiple personalities and none of them like you!

Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my legs!

What you think of me is really non of my business it's a reflection of you, not me.

Taking your ex back is like going to a yard sale and buying your own rubbish back!

Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

I'll try being nicer if you try being smarter.

Hey pretty wanna date me? YES = Smile NO = Do a back-flip

I don't have Alzheimer's, I have half-heimers, I only remember half the nonsense I hear!

I've been single for a while and I have to say its going very well. Like... it's working out, I think I'm THE ONE.

I have never faked a sarcasm in my life.

My friends say the funniest things:

When I get old I'm not going to sit around knitting. I'm going to be clicking my Life Alert button seeing how many hot firefighters I can get to show up.

I'm making some changes in my life, if you don't hear from me, you are one of them.

Whatever you do always give 100%, unless you're donating blood.

Roses are red, violets are yellow, this makes no sense, OOPS!

Men are from earth... woman are from earth... deal with it!

The thing about smart people is; they seem like crazy people to dumb people.

I love hearing rumors because they tell me things about myself I didn't know before.

Someone told me I'm delusional! I almost fell off my unicorn!

I like my men like KLEENEX... soft, strong and disposable!

BREAKING NEWS... Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged for battery.

I don't have an attitude problem; you have a problem with my attitude and THAT is not MY problem.

I'm going to write a book about ADD, because I love fishing...

There are 3 kinds of people in this world, ones that can count and ones that can't count.

Take life with a grain of salt... a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

I slept like a baby last night... Woke up every 3 hours crying for food.

My boss is so much more than just my mentor... he's my TORmentor!

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well... they have a common enemy.

If you truly are what you eat, then I need to eat a skinny person.

Everything happens for a reason... usually the reason is some idiot.

Without ME, you are just AWESO

Dear Homework. You are not attractive, I'm not doing you.

The day YOUTUBE, FACEBOOK and TWITTER amalgamate, they will call themselves "Youtwitface"

Don't share your problems with the world, 80% don't listen and the other 20% are glad you have them.

I'm fine, YOU all need therapy.

Jesus turned water into wine, I once turned a whole student loan into beer.

If you want to make time fly, throw your alarm clock.

Is "Virgin Mobile" a nun-wheelchair?

Remember... if the world don't suck, we'll all fall off.

All work and no play makes Jack the manager.

This cat is cat a cat great cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat two cat mins cat. Now read it from the beginning without the word cat.

I would like to report a theft, my weekend has been stolen! I saw it early Friday afternoon, then I turned around and it was gone...

I'm not saying you're stupid!! I'm just saying you've got bad luck when it comes to thinking!!

My brother reckons he does not have OCD, because if he did, OCD would have been in alphabetical order.

Don’t you ever regret knowing someone in your life. Good people will give you happiness, bad people will give you experience, while the worst people will give you a lesson and the best people will give you memories.